20 Years of Hating April

My baby sister would have been 51 today.

But cancer robbed her of the past 20 years. It robbed our parents of their daughter. Her daughter of her mother. Her husband of his wife . . . And so many of niece, cousin, friend.

Her torture ended a couple of days before her birthday at the tail end of April - the number day is blocked from my mind. Occasionally, I decide it is important to know the exact day, but more often I am happy that information refuses to remain at my recall.

Despite my determination to focus on the day she entered this world rather than the day she left it, my subconscious has other plans. Over the past 20 years, I have noted that in April there is a far higher chance I will cancel plans - or simply forget them entirely. It is consistently my most unproductive month. If I screw something up, it is probably April.

Somehow, I am never cognizant of this during April. I simply exist in a vaguely disgruntled state the entire month, without being actively aware that I'm not a particularly enjoyable human being.

Miraculously, that fog lifts every year on May 1st - my sister’s annual gift to commemorate her birthday. The struggle to meet my responsibilities, to myself and others, vanishes. My malaise is swamped by a wave of energy.

This May, I am motivated to move with purpose towards the creation of a world where “I’m fine” doesn’t translate to “The thread I’m hanging on today is no thinner than yesterday’s thread - so I’m fine.” Towards a future where a leukemia patient being “ok” doesn’t come with the subtext, “well, I’m not in urgent need of platelets. So, I’m ok." Into a universe where, "I'm great." doesn't mean "Well, I haven't hear the cancer is back. But it is always at the back of my mind."

When training for the 3-Day, I am participating in the move toward something. The move towards a world where cancer doesn’t have the power to steal.

No power to steal the emotional security of millions.

No power to steal years from patients and care givers.

No power to steal the lives of people who make the world a better place.

No power to steal the month of April from those left behind.